Creepy Pam - The Birth, Life, Death and Resurrection and Death of the World's Creepiest Elf

WARNING DO NOT READ IN FRONT OF ANYONE WHO BELIEVES IN CHRISTMAS MAGIC

Truth: Creepy Pam was born out of my hatred of Christmas. I have some deep-seeded issues with Christmas. What can I say? I’m working on it. I was bartending at the time Elf on the Shelf was just starting. The kids were 2 and 6 years old. I was watching mom’s post, “Oops our elf made cookies last night and left the kitchen a mess! What a naughty elf!” I’m sorry but just no. Are there moms out there who aren’t passing out after they put their kids to bed? Clearly I wasn’t one of them.

My friend and co-worker Lisa and I were bartending when we started making fun of the absurdity and creepiness of the Elf on the Shelf. “So let me get this straight…the elf shows up and watches you, and then moves around your house? That seems really super weird and creepy as hell to me!!” However, the creepier it sounded, the more it started to appeal to me. And so one night I got an elf and we brought her to the bar and did all the inappropriate things to her. We quickly realized that she highly resembled one of our regulars and so that’s how Pam earned her name.

Creepy Pam, drunk elf.

That night I placed her in Xander’s room and went to bed. I was woken up to a blood curdling screaming from Xander that there was an elf in his room. (It wasn’t quite as popular then as it was now). He didn’t know what it was or why it was in his room but he was terrified. Creepy Pam was now apart of our Christmas traditions and terror.

She sees you when you’re sleeping. She’s creepy.

Over the years I have put weird parameters around Pam’s shenanigans. Many people don’t recognize it’s not just another Elf on the Shelf, she actually has rules and a personality. Look, Creepy Pam is just me. I’m creepy Pam.

Rules to Creepy Pam

1. The scene cannot take more than 10 minutes to make and has to generally be used with stuff I already have, poorly.

2. 90% of the time I’m not getting these ideas on Pinterest.

3. Pam doesn’t like other elves.

4. Pam is homicidal.

5. Pam is an alcoholic in the offseason and has to dry up when she comes to our house.

6. Pam is low-key super inappropriate, but not so much it harms kids.

7. She is creepy, and sometimes terrifying.

8. If a kid touches Pam, Pam doesn’t move that night until she is doused with cinnamon and sugar.

9. Creepy Pam is just a general jerk.

Xander is a very wise soul and figured out Pam’s magic at an early age. He has helped me with ideas and moves her on the weekend in the last 4 years. Sienna on the other hand truly and deeply believes in unicorns and magic all the way to her soul. It’s the best part of Sienna, but as a mom, also the most terrifying part of parenting. This is my current state of affairs.

DEATH OF CREEPY PAM

We have a cat named Kitty. Kitty from time to time would drag Creepy Pam across the room, taking off her skirt, knock her down but nothing major. On the day of Creepy Pam’s death I had set up a Jack and Jill went up the hill murder scene from Creepy Pam. I left Creepy Pam on the stairs and left for the day, but the dogs outside. I figured that the cat would probably knock her down, but nothing else. I was wrong….so wrong. I was not prepared for what I saw when I came home.

CREEPY PAM’S FINAL SCENE: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. They met Creepy Pam. The end.

I got home and like predicted, Creepy Pam wasn’t on the stairs. I started looking for her and then stumbled upon this…

I can’t say Creepy Pam didn’t have it coming to her, but I wasn’t prepared for this kind of elf carnage.

Suspect Kitty. 10 year old toothless cat.

What the actual fuck? Where was her arm? Where was the other half of her leg? Her hat? Her skirt? How did this even happen? MY CAT DOESN’T HAVE TEETH! And of’ coarse, this happens when Jace is gone!! What am I supposed to do?? Creepy Pam’s karma has come full circle and I’m left holding the leftover carnage of this godforsaken elf. I sent pictures to my friend Cassie who couldn’t stop laughing. After a 30-minute scavenger hunt for elf body parts, Cassie helps me decide I’m just going to replace her and hold my breath that Sienna doesn’t notice. We both decide that Sienna’s heart is not going to be able to handle losing any magic.

I take Creepy Pam and her parts in my purse and head out to the store. I grab an elf to make sure I pick the exact same one. UGHHHHHH! They have remade these damn elves to look like nice wholesome dolls, instead of the 1950’s creepy doll I have. Replacement is not an option. Christmas magic is on the line and what am I supposed to do?

Dear Mattel, it’s called branding and being consistent. I cannot be the only parent that has run into this??

So I can’t let Sienna can’t see the elf’s body parts everywhere, and now I can’t replace her. So I come up with the idea to call my niece Sierra to write a goodbye note (as Sienna knows my handwriting), and a new elf will be here tomorrow. I buy a new elf and leave the note where Creepy Pam was. There that should be good. That explains it. Dear Lord, how many more webs of lies can I possibly spin??? I pick up Xander at school and I explain to him our family emergency so we can both be on the same page.

Sienna arrives home and sees that Creepy Pam is gone and sees the note. I read her the note to her. Sienna seems totally fine, but I watch her start going around the house looking for Creepy Pam. She heads up to her room and shuts the door. The one thing I can tell you is nothing good is coming out of her going to her room and shutting the door. I go upstairs and find her laying on the floor, balled up sobbing, “Why would Pam just leave us? I thought she loved us!” I’ve never actually felt a dagger to the heart, but after this, I am 100% positive I know exactly how that feels.

I fess up that the cat tore up Pam and came up with the note. She begs to see Creepy Pam and I’m unsure how much trauma I am inflicting, so I tell her no. After the 5th time, I take Creepy Pam out of the elf body bag I have her in.

Sienna perks up and runs and gets red thread and a needle to sew her up. First and foremost I didn’t even KNOW we had this in our house. So I poorly (because my mom thought Home Ec was a waste of time) sew Creepy Pam back together. Sienna knows that since she had to touch Pam, we need to sprinkle cinnamon on her for her magic to come back. Before I know what has happened, Sienna made a small bed for her and dumped the entire huge container of cinnamon on Creepy Pam. Our elf is about as thick into the cinnamon challenge as one can be. However, I don’t care, because I’m literately feeling like Christmas has been saved.

We go to bed and everyone is….happy? The next day Sienna wakes up and is sobbing. Creepy Pam didn’t move overnight and she is dead. Seriously, after ALL of this, I forget to move the damn elf? Of all nights???? So I explain that she did have major surgery so it just might take a little bit of extra time for Creepy Pam to heal. Oh, the webs we weave.

Creepy Pam, choking on the cinnamon challenge, getting back all her magic.

And so for now, we have Creepy Pam back. Christmas bitterness is not dead, and either is Christmas magic. My guilt as a parent for all of this drama is sky high and I have started contributing higher to my kid’s future therapy bills. All one can hope is that one day Sienna will find this funny and it only hurt her just enough to be comedian funny.

If you feel so inclined, feel free to go to my Facebook Album and go through all my Creepy Pam ideas here.

CREEPY PAM UPDATE

We saved Creepy Pam from our toothless cat, and healed her with cinnamon and surgery. The next day we hid her (good job Kate remembering) and our lovely Black Lab Puppy Linus, found her and that was the final destination of Creepy Pam. No amount of super glue or lies would fix this.

When Sienna woke up in the morning to find her, (thank god I woke up before her!) I told her about Creepy Pam’s ultimate demise. She quietly asked if she could see Creepy Pam and I showed her adding up more money for therapy we would have to save in my head. I was waiting for the tears to flood and ruin all Christmas magic. With a glimmer in her eye, she looked up at me and asked, “Can I touch Pam?” I said yes.

I was not prepared for her reaction.

And just like that, all was right in the Davis Creepy Christmas world. Sienna could FINALLY touch her little elf and bring her around everywhere she wanted. I was happy that my strong procrastination skills had played outright and I had a backup elf for the next day. Creepy Pam’s brother, Creeping Peeping Tom is now here for all of our Christmas creeping purposes and the Creepy Christmas magic continues to live on in the Davis house.

RIP CREEPY PAM
2012-2019