It's Been 5 years and 6 days, or 261 Weeks or 1,832 Days (Not That I'm Counting)

Recently while we were renovating, I came across this picture of me.

Not one of my finer moments.  (And yes I'm wearing a "Lucky" Care Bare shirt.) This was a result of drinking entirely too much and then running my face into the ground.  I was about 23 in this picture.  In a moment of clarity, I asked my mom to take the photo to remind me, indeed I do have a problem.  It would take me 10 more years from this picture being taken to finally quit drinking.

Over the years I tried to quit drinking several times, but it was met by friends by saying, “You don’t have a problem.”  Maybe it was because they had a problem too and didn’t want to see their mirror, or maybe I just hid it better than I thought.  Regardless, the fact was I had a problem, and for years I was stuck in the cycle of letting it get out of control, then stopping for a while, slowly thinking that I could handle it and starting up again.  Wash, rinse, repeat. This is the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So, 5 years later here I am, still sober.  It’s a continuous fight.  I still hate Christmas parties and sometimes I can’t go to some social functions because I don’t trust myself, but most days when I think of drinking it’s a passing thought and I laugh and go on with my day.  The fact is I have worked really hard to start living life and not just be pushed through it.  I know if I didn’t stop I wouldn’t still be married to an amazing man who loved, supported me and helped me to get to where I am.  I probably would have lost custody of the two most amazing, funny, beautiful and smart children.  I know that I would have never tried to run a 5k that would progress into running 3 half marathons in a year.  I know that I wouldn’t have fallen so in love with hiking and been able to hike 3 14ers.  I would have never ever picked up my camera and fallen back in love with photography all over again.  I know I would have been on the couch either hung over or having a “Screw it, I deserve to be plastered” moment, and doing nothing, hating myself, and feeling guilty.

So, to celebrate my sobriety I asked my friend and amazing photographer Jason DeWitt to take a 5 year sober picture of me.  Ironically, I despise being in front of the camera.  I rarely take a sole selfie, but decided I needed a compare and contrast photo to remind myself how far I’ve come.  My only regret is that my mom isn’t here to take the photo too.  I know she would be proud of me, if not totally in disbelief.  I’m not going to lie, it’s very hard to live with the fact she died not knowing if I would ever be sober.  But here I am.  I can’t change that fact she isn’t here to see this, I can only honor her by remembering the hike she took me on and said, “These are the highs in life you should chase” and follow her advice.